The Illusion of Professionalism.

I sometimes wonder if I am just a bit unlucky, or actually completely uncoordinated, and only just able to maintain a bare  illusion of professionalism .

I say this because just last week, I thought I had my life pretty much under control.

The day was going along fine.  It was massively busy, the schedule was a bit tight, there was some rushing around, but overall, I was on top of things.

Then, I had to work through lunch.  No problemo!  I found some chocolate in my desk.  Looking up at the clock, it was 22seconds to the bell.  I surveyed the size of the chocolate.  Hmmm,  not really big enough for two bites, best shove it all in my gob now, and by the time I walk down the hall to my classroom, it'll be the perfect crime.

Fast forward to  three hours later, my two classes and lecture are now finished, and I am  about knackered from a long day.

While I am cleaning the board, a student comes up to hit me with grammar questions.  I stick out my tongue when I have to think hard.  Then I taste chocolate.  I turn surreptitiously around to face the board. My tongue does a little more searching, and I taste more chocolate.  Uh oh.  I turn my back to the students, and face the window, and do a full tongue-sweep of my lips and mouth.

Oh.    Dear.

I have had it on my face for  THE WHOLE THREE HOURS.  I taught a lecture and two classes like that.  Not one person said a word.  Christ.

At the end of winter here,  for three months I was sent off to Kashiwa, in Chiba.  The classes were twice a week.  I have to be on the 5:37 train to be there just before 8am.  It's alarmingly early.  I am not naturally an early riser, but I really need the money, and it's a lovely place (pity it's more than two hours away, three trains and a bus).

I live in a tiny Japanese apartment, where everyone sleeps in the same room.  Getting up at  5, I don't want to wake them.  So I get dressed in the dark, I don't use the hair dryer, I sneak out and close the door softly.  It's priceless to see the faces of sleeping Boy and Duck, up to no mischief.

The real price of not waking them up is getting dressed in the dark, though.  It's really not a good look to travel all that way, on all that very PUBLIC transport, looking like you were dressed by blind circus clowns with only one hand.

SEVERAL times I have just glanced down at the LAST SECOND before entering the lecture hall to see my shirt done up crooked, and inside out.  I had apparently been dressed like that all morning.  Thank goodness for long trench coats in cold weather, allowing me to do the magic trick of getting my shirt off, turned right side out, and buttoned up, all without showing the public my underwear.


Not that the general public on the way to Kashiwa hasn't seen my underwear.....

My Nanna always said "Wear clean underwear, you never know when you might be hit by a bus!"

I puzzled for years over the wisdom of this.

I finally decided it means you would be really embarrassed if you were dead or injured and the ambulance men said,
 "My God, what ratty drawers she had."

So apart from making sure I am wearing clean undies at ALL times, I also make extra sure I wear the NICE under wear when I travel to work.   Just to be on the safe side, because you never know.

It was almost my last class, and so my last morning dragging my white arse out of the futon before dawn.  I miraculously get a seat on the third train.   I am listening to the soothing tones of Gorillaz on the way to KashiwaNohaCampus via the Tsukuba Express.  Very Luxe train.

I look up to see people staring.  Not the usual Stare Bears,  this is really hard staring, and it's EVERYBODY.

I turn my head to the side, crank up my ipod and mouth the words to FeelGood Inc.  and feel a strange breeze.  The train is sealed, and the heaters are on, so why does my décolletage feel draughty??
I look up to see a smarmy smirky old Salary man, and he is blowing into the hole in my shirt, between the first and the third buttons.

Seems about one or two trains ago, I lost a shirt button, RIGHT in the middle of my cleavage.  Usually I am wearing an undershirt, so it's no big whoop, but today was a little warmer, and I felt I could go to work with only three layers instead of my usual four.

It got worse, as there was a flash storm, I had no umbrella , and I was soaking wet, freezing cold, my shirt went see-through and my headlights were on for the rest of the commute.

Lucky for me, apart from being the unwitting burlesque and peep show performer on two morning trains (I did my trench coat up to my neck on the bus) I was saved by the fact that most of my students are some one's Mum.  Thank goodness for old ladies in Chiba.

When I got to University, they whisked me away to the tea room, where I was clad in aprons and towels  (My boobs are waaay too big to go into just one apron and not look porn) , while one of them  sewed on a button for me , one of them made me a cup of tea, biscuits were found and arranged prettily on a plate, and at the end I got an Easter egg.

My class of Mums and families are now safely living in California USA, probably talking to people in Torrence with my broad Australian accent.

25 Things about Japoon that are Excellent, Part 2

25 Excellent things about Japooon Pt2

by Wendy Elizabeth Horikoshi on Thursday, 25 February 2011 at 11:06

 

11. Over 99% literacy.
As a teacher, this statistic warms the cockles of my heart when I need cheering up,
and there are bookshops EVERYWHERE. Yay!

12. Free stuff.
For some reason, this expensive place is rife with free stuff. You walk down the street, and people on corners fight to hand you free tissues. Go into the supermarket and its free samples everywhere. Free beer, pickles, sausages, cakes, cookies, bread, chocolate, fish, jelly, vast amounts of pork products, unidentified slimey vegetables, 900 different types of tofu dishes. When I was poor, I used to cruise the basement floor of major supermarkets, do two circuts, and be full to the goog with little snacks during my lunch hour, because I couldn't actually afford lunch.

Then there are all the free little presents you get when you purchase EVERYTHING here.
Keychains, eyedrop holders, tiny address books, pretty stick on jewels, even hats, gloves and scarfs, when you buy a drink. Strange, but very cool.

13. Festivals. They have a festival for everything in Japan, I swear. Festival of the penis has its own dick shaped lollipops, enjoyed by cheeky little old ladies and small children alike. Food on a stick appeals to me, so chocolate bananas, sausages, cucumber, corn, chicken, pickled fruit in sticky toffee (Mizu Ame) and fresh fruit are all good onna stick while you are walking around in your Yuukata, on a nice sunny festival day. Games, plays, music, decorations, stalls, and you get to dress up. Who doesn't like festivals?? You might even win a goldfish or a little green turtle if you are lucky.

14. Manga Kissa. For about 5 bucks an hour, you can relax in a nice expensive massage recliner, play as much of your favourite online game, read as much manga/newspaper/magzine as you want, enjoy snacks and usually a free drink bar, all in the privacy of your own cubicle. I have seen people practice their Wii moves, so as not to get their arses handed to them by their friends next time they play. I have been in an ultra modern, wide screen catered Manga Kissa for a private movie screening (including icecream and beer) and I have to say that the service is muuuch better than in my loungeroom. The internet speed is usually excellent, and the array of slushie flavours enough to put me in a sugar coma.

15. Fast Food. I am not talking just about Maccas or KFC. You can have a dizzying array of curry flavours, bowls of ramen, instant ramen, many many fried things, sushi trains, beef bowls, burger joints, riceball places, eat at tiny little stalls that materialise only when the sun goes down (and are nothing more than a tarp, a noren curtain, a bench and a guy with a talent for noodles/Oden or just a talent for pouring beer and warming Sake).

16. Love Hotels. Trapped in a tiny company dormitory? Living in a two room house, made of paper and reed mats with your inlaws? No actual privacy? Well, slide on down to one of Japans hundreds of thousands of Love Hotels. A BIG bath, wide screen TV, with porn channels.Tea and coffee facilities, toiletries, bubble bath and TV in the bathroom. Rent or buy costumes, toys, pajamas for an overnight stay, or even take advantage of the karaoke and Wii they supply. Big beds, condoms supplied, all in lots of "rest" (three hours) or "stay" (overnight). Reasonably priced, and anonymous, they are a godsend for those who live with their parents, and a mini holiday for those who live with their kids. BYO your favourite partner ;)   Below are some of my favourite products written in Engrish

25 Things about Japoon that are Excellent, Part 3

25 Things about Japoon that are excellent Pt 3

by Wendy Elizabeth Horikoshi on Thursday, 09 September 2011 at 19:59

17. Giant fruit. The fruit here is priced like it's made by Dolche and Gabana. But it's MASSIVE. I am lucky enough to get fruit as a gift on a regular basis (as it stops me and the family from getting scurvy, on my meagre teaching salary). Last week I got apples the size of cannon balls, strawberries the size of golf balls, and a sweet potato we could use as a life raft, in case we get done by a tsunami in Kodaira. Because we live in Japan, we have to display these gifts on a little pedestal in the kitchen, for some days so visitors can see how lucky we are to have fruit in the house.  Currently we have 10 dollar peaches on display on the kitchen table (until I get hungry).

18. Giant cans of beer. Now I don't drink beer as a rule, but the thought of a 1 litre stubby excites me so much, that I buy them and mail them to my friends. You can buy 1 litre cans of beer in the vending machines anywhere, pretty much from all brands. Some vending machines kindly also supply the snacks that will compliment your excessive beer consumption. Nice.

19. Cosplay. Sex life a bit blah? Want to get your juices flowing again? Just like dressing up as your favourite Pokemon? Then Japan is the place for you matey! Any day of the week, you can swan around the shops and see Lolicon (people who have a Lolita complex, and so the girls dress up in baby doll dresses, with lollipops and carry stuffed toys) Goth Lolicon (same, except its all about black lace, black eye-liner, black parasols and pale make up)
http://www.chictoday.com/daily/wp-content/uploads/2009/01/harajuku-fashion-japanforumcom.jpg
people dressed up as their favourite anime character, manga character, or the ever popular Maid Cafes, where (relatively) busty women will serve you in sexy maid costumes, and laugh at your dumb jokes.

20. Beautiful paper products.  Japan has some of the most lovely, delicate, and totally original stationary and stamps that the world will ever see.  I love the smell of paper shops, new books and money from the ATM, and their are as many paper shops here as book stores.  From beautiful Kimono and woodblock themed paper writing sets, origami (gazillions of kinds) and the more beautiful and expensive hand made washi paper, all gifts here are wrapped with the utmost care and reverence, and department store staff are strictly trained in the art of gift wrapping.  The little stickers that go with everything are also to die for :)

21.Onsens.
Magic hot springs in beautiful settings that encourage you to get naked with the general populace. Really.
You must first strip to your birthday suit, don a Yuukata, and carry a little wooden bucket with your soap, loofah and tiny little towel (this is compulsory to have a tiny towel) then sluice water from the trough or pump over you, give yourself a good hard scrub, all the while sitting on a tiny kid sized wooden stool, with your knees around your ears. After you have removed EVERY trace of soap, slide your naked self in to the big stone pools of hot volcanic water, and remain until lobster red, trying to look at everything else but the other people. Takes some getting used to, but it's a very relaxing pastime, the waters are said to be good for your health. I'm not against nudity, and nakedness in a nice tranquil mountain setting is probably good for your soul too.

22.Electronics. Akihabara, or Electric Town is always abuzz with the newest cutest tiniest gadgets. It attracts geeks of every ilk. Its a place where the subcultures and people on the very edge of the bell curve go and search for stuff that they are passionate about. Go for the electronics, stay and gawk at the people, I do.

23.Bizarre fashions.
Nothing can describe how it feels to shop right next to a middle aged man in a pink tutu and tiara, looking for a nice teapot. To see hundreds of young girls dressed as rock stars with injuries

http://boingboing.net/2007/12/05/tokyo-festishfashion.html

http://t0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:7p1g3sq2HdlYLM:http://media.nowpublic.net/images/8d/5/8d5d1f0931bc0e055ef3edd060c079b4.jpg
or to sit on the train next to women who wear the traditional 14 layer Kimono, coupled with Amy Winehouse hair and 10cm bejewelled fingernails, and matching glittery cell phone.
http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_hdMWb_HMuzo/S0nVeIHv-II/AAAAAAAAEYo/7XHrd0z6pUQ/s320/seijin.jpg




24. Engrish. I buy my underwear at a shop that "supports my sock life"
My dairy products are delivered in a van marked "Flesh Delivery"  And my favourite bakery is Breadshop Spank.

This is my favourite thing about living here. Check this out, if it doesn't make milk come out your nose, you need a check up at the local hospital http://www.engrish.com/

25.Tea.  I am a tea drinker, and I am totally in love with the HUGE amount of pomp and ritual that goes into making a cup of tea in Japan.  It's almost a religion, with each tea ceremony taking up to 45 minutes for a cuppa.  There are a whole range of shops and huge swathes of department store space dedicated to what to wear, what cake to serve, and what plates to serve them on, what cups and teapot to use and a million other decorations dedicated to the art of having a nice cup of tea.  I am not so fond of the cakes, though.  They are always made with sweet potato or beans .  I am more of a fruit, cream, sugar and icing kind of girl :)

Before we go to the park

I have lived in Japan on and off about 14 years.  Not once have I studied the language.  I've been busy, OK?  No need to look at me like that.  I currently have one full time and 4 part time jobs, plus I am a TERRIBLE student.
When I was a newly wed, I had sweet visions of my husband teaching me his native language, as he went to teachers college to become an instructor of Japanese for foreigners before I met him.

He has never actually taught a class. He was horrified at how much work it is to teach some one to speak Japanese from scratch, and he made a quick exit from the teaching profession after being an assistant for just one week, admitting later (after we had been married some years) that he only did it to meet foreign women.    :)

We are going to the park.  I am the worlds cheapest date (according to my Mr.)  because I don't drink, I get nervous in fancy restaurants, and I like to spend a lot of time in the park, feeding the ducks and fish, watching the turtles, riding my bike at a leisurely pace.  Trips to Kichijoji park are a big thing in our house. We get to go on three train lines (all the boys in our house are hard core train fanatics, including The Daddy), we lurk in the expensive shops, breathing in their free airconditioning in the Summer, and we have a nice Tempura dinner at Tenya, after feeding the ducks and giant Koi in Inokashira Koen.  A special trip is made to get big bags of Fu, and left over bread is saved up, and carefully cut into little bits to tempt the ducks and fish close enough to see and take a picture.  Yaki Dango and Ice cream are purchased.  We all come back exhausted, full of snacks and sugar.

Before we go to the park, The Boy is helping me with my Japanese  (because his Dad,  never has), while we get ready.   The Daddy, is tired of my whining that he has never taught me any useful Japanese, so has helpfully made a trip to the second hand book shop, and bought a copy of "Teach your Gaijin Wife Japanese in 90 days!"  with a two CD set.  How hard can it be, right?

I dunno the word in the second question, so I asked The Boy what "Ben Lii" means, because I told him I didn't know this Ben Lii man. He says "I will give you a clue, it lets you start the whole house and drive it like a car with just pushing one button".  Wow, obviously a lot more information is conveyed in Japanese then, eh?  I was stumped.  Just so you know, The Boy is eight.

I look at the answer page while The Boy is not watching me, and the question was "What is useful about this?" in Japanese.
I am still laughing, and he is VERY cranky that I won't be serious! hahahahaha :) :)

The Duck is running interference by repeating everything The Boy says over the top of him.  Is it any wonder my Japanese is spotty and strange??  He also informs me, that the text book his Dad chose is Osaka Ben (with a strong Osaka dialect/accent, and we live waaaaay over in West Tokyo ) and "Mummee, you prolly shouldn't talk like that anyway  \(*o*)/

Don't answer the door!!

Thursday was my only full day off last week.   I had just gotten out of the shower, and was swanning around the house in a towel, drinking OJ out of the carton (because I can when no one is looking), when the doorbell rang.

I quickly chucked on my PJ's.

There was  this smartly dressed woman with a little girl behind her,  and she proceeded to question me mercilessly.  There were absolutely no spaces between questions.

"Why am I home in my pyjamas in the middle of the day?  Do I understand Japanese?  Am I married? Are there any children living here? Why do I have a towel on my head? Do I actually work?  Where is my husband at this time?  What is his job and when will he be home?
What are we all doing on Sunday the week after next?  What classes are the kids in and what are their names?"

You would think it was the cops, or some evil cow from immigration, right?
Nah, she is from the local parents group, looking to get all the parents in the area, to come to the park to have an "educational seminar" for the DANGERS OF GAIJIN* TO CHILDREN IN THE KODAIRA COMMUNITY".

Do you think any of the Gods will punish me for what I told her?

I said "yes, I understand Japanese, and yes I do happen to be employed, thanks"  Then she wanted to know the EXACT DETAILS of my current employment, and stated again that she didn't know why I was home in the middle of the day, if the kids were at school (!!?)  I told her I was home, with a terribly high fever, and I was quarantined today by an illness.  My Mr. had to take the morning off to take the kids to school and my kids names were Tiger and Ryu (not true, any of it) .  My husband works in "entertainment" (and I made this sound vague and threatening, like he does security for the Yakuza)  I then said I would have his "people" look at her note (while she was writing she says "oh you probably can't read or write, I will just jot down the details here for you, some one can tell you what it says")  and we might "all"  attend this little rally in the park.  God, I wish I still had a tattoo I could have shown her, to make her just a tiny bit more uncomfortable.  Christ, I wish I was imaginative enough to make this shit up. Jebus, I hate living in Kodaira.  I swear there is lead in the bloody water here.

* Gaijin is Japanese for Outsider or Foreigner.  It's not a very nice word.

The Roach.

Ladies, (and Gentlemen of a squirelly nature about bugs), I have made a startling discovery!! Dish washing liquid (of the extremely cheap variety) kills cockroaches stone dead.

We have had one foul roach, terrorizing us for almost two weeks now, and every time we go to the sink, and push the button for the Rinnai, it leaps out, like the neighbors angry dog, defending it's territory. This means Duck and Boy run squealing from the room, too afraid to wash their hands, or put the dishes in the sink, because this thing lurks in the hot water heater, and when you hit the button to turn on the tap, it rushes you.
You can almost hear the barking and gnashing of teeth (do they have teeth?).

Now, as you may or may not know, my house has become a lost beetle sanctuary (three homeless Rhinoceros beetles at last count, more on this later), and I don't really agree with using pesticides. I get eaten alive by mosquitoes and just about anything that bites or stings, and I have a husband who is immune to insect bites (Duck believes that The Daddy tastes yukky.  I can't really argue, my Mr. dosen't take a bath everyday, the dirty bastard)

Usually we use sticky roach motels, and for the mozzies, I burn mosquito coils, making everything smell like a bonfire.  Lately,  I am afraid the rhinoceros beetles will be made sick by mozzie coils, and that bloody giant roach lurking near the sink is not fooled by roach motels, even with the happy pictures of smiling bugs on the side, and a piece of ham placed squarely in the middle.  Other bugs have been lured to their doom, never reaching the fabled ham.  This giant cocky is not easily tricked, and has NO FEAR I SWEAR.

This morning, I approached the scuzzy washing up (I hate the washing up, almost as much as cleaning the dunny, we have three boys in the house, and it's foul) and the bastard leaped  out at me, buzzing it's wings and waving it's antennae threateningly.  I did my nana and hit it with 88yen environmentally friendly, palm oil free dish washing liquid.  It is no more.  It's body has been viewed by all it terrorized.  The Daddy ceremoniously flushed it down the dunny, and it left a nice sudsy lime scent after it :)