When your life needs a little sparkle....

I live here in Tokyo. 
Back in my home country I am very ordinary.  No one ever stares at me, or  uses me for random English language practice on public transport.  I can read all the labels, I don't have to guess the ingredients to food, and people don't actively cross the road to avoid me, or clap their hands in amazement when I eat with chopsticks.    In Tokyo I am a figure of much fascination.  Every little thing is a minor puzzle to be fathomed out (I can't read Kanji)  so just walking around takes quite a bit of energy, and feels like challenging experience, at times.
I just realized I lead an extraordinarily dull life in fact.   The day before yesterday my make up bag went to God.  I was heart broken, I loved that bag, and I took it everywhere with me. I was beside myself.

I keep my emergency lollies in it, in case I have a hypo and I have already eaten my emergency banana (I have hypoglycemia, and I have a designated Banana Case that I carry everyday, to stop it getting squashed in my bag) and The Duck actively mines in my back pack for sweets, abusing the zip on my little net bag until it finally bit the big one.

It came from a big 99 yen store, that has since closed down.

Now, I am not particularly cheap, but I am fairly poor, so I lamented the fact that now all my girly stuff was running wild and unchecked inside my schoolbag. Tampons touching my banana, the lid of my lipstick going astray, and drawing on my paper back novel as I walk to the shops, my head ache tablets getting into everything, and leaping out unbidden when I looked for something else.

Gods, it was horrible I tell you!  I was cranky for days and days, all my things higglety pigglety in my bag.  I hate having a disorganised bag.  I feel people judge you when you have to rustle for too long, trying to find something.

My friend saw my misery, and like a true gentleman, offered to let me have his bread maker as a hostage in my house indefinitely to ease my pain.  There are many lovely things about Japan, but proper bread seems to be a mystery to these people.  Japanese bread is soft, sweet, predigested muck.  When I go to the park and feed it to the ducks, I often have pangs of guilt about what I may be doing to their health.

I have had several dreamy hallucinations of eating real crusty bread in slices as thick as my hand, perhaps containing actual whole grain flour, and (Gasp!) seeds and other bits!! Lashed with butter and slathered with Vegemite, then I woke up, and remembered I don't have the bread maker yet, I only have products resembling a bread like shape in my house (that is where the resemblance to actual bread ends) and my make up things are still on the loose inside my back pack (sigh).

On the way back into to Tokyo from Yokohama, I spotted a new 100 yen shop in Takadanobaba, and with hope in my bosom, I rushed out of the station and scoured the shelves for a replacement make up baggy.

I found an Okaaaaaay replacement (it's not beautiful, but at least my tampons and my banana have separate lives now). The real reason I feel the need to write about this with breathless excitement, is that they have a WHOLE SECTION of nail art products all for around a buck each.

I scored a bunch of glittery nail pens and polishes in beyoootiful colours, two bottles of monomer liquid, brush cleaner, acrylic powder, a natty little dappen dish and some other goodies all for under 20 bucks. God I could live there.

Now everyone in my house has a mani and pedi (it's the last day of my 3 day Summer hols) except The Daddy, but he has to sleep some time....THE DUCK & I HAD MANNI／PEDI'STLADY BUG TOES

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25 Things about Japoon that are Excellent, Part 1

25 excellent things about Japoon, Pt 1

by Wendy Elizabeth Horikoshi on Friday, 19 February 2011 at 11:43

1. Public Transport.
Simply put, this country has the smoothest, cleanest, fastest public transport in the world. Easy to use, always on time, barring major disasters, and the best part is, if they ARE late, then you get a note from the train conductor to excuse your tardiness.  I am always so excited to get a late note, I keep it for the novelty value (twice in 14 years).  Trains in Australia run on a timetable that is mostly fiction.

2. Service.
Banks, Department stores, service stations, all have attendants to come and help you with your every need, with a smile. Need to fill in a form, use an ATM, buy a ticket or check your oil? There is always a uniformed attendant for you, and they usually speak a few words of English.  Nice.

3. Bicycle tracks.
I just gave up my car, and we have a family of four. This would be horrible in Oz. I have a 15km paved green road around Kodaira all the way to Tamagawa Josui, just for bikes and walking. Past all the major supermarkets and shopping streets, banks, parks and schools. I can bike anywhere, and if its a little too far, then I can take a bus or train.

4.The Magic Ticket.
You can pay for your drinks, bus, train and subway tickets, and even your Mc Donald's with your passmo/passmo credit card. Means you don't have to take it out of your wallet. How many times have you lost or bent your ticket? You can get a drink, breakfast, get your train and make it to work, all by waving your wallet or mobile phone past the sensor. You can even break your journey, and your magic ticket will keep it all on track for you. You can set it to auto recharge if you like as well, meaning you won't catch a bus again and not have enough change for the fare.

5.Serial Politeness.
People will be polite to you, and usually try to help you, even if they don't like you. If some one doesn't like you in Oz, you have about a 50% chance of a punch in the head.


6. Safety.
This is the safest place in the world, with the lowest crime rate for everything . You can leave your doors open, your car unlocked, and catch a train or bus and walk home alone at night at any time without of that inner city fear that you get in Sydney.


7. Vending machines.
They sell everything. Beer, cigarettes, rice, flour, hot coffee, soup, raincoats, umbrellas, hot food, ice-cream, cold drinks, snacks, flowers, magazines, porn, sex toys, newspapers, milk, fresh veges. You name it, however bizarre or mundane, however useful and unexpected, some one put it in a vending machine, probably along my street. The only thing you rarely see in vending machines is packets of chips and lollies.  Strange but true.

8. People are honest.
If you drop something, or lose something, it's odds on that you get it back. Wallets, cameras, phones, bags. It would all be lost for good in my home country, but it is returned with alarming regularity here.  I have dropped my wallet a few times, always got it back.

9. The Cute Factor.
Cute is a cultural phenomenon here. Hello kitty, Mickey Mouse, Miffy, Pooh Bear and Aladdin (as well as all the Disney Princesses, and their entourages) are on bank cards, bags, tickets, posters and are woven into every day life. It`s totally OK for a 45 yr old woman to have a Mickey and Minnie lunch box and matching handbag. It's actually a bizarre kind of freedom.

10. The 100 yen shop. Simply, you can buy way more in the world for 100 yen. These huge bargain warehouses buy in bulk using the mighty yen, and sell (for a nice size profit) stuff that is useful, nice to look at and doesn't make you feel guilty when you buy it, as its only 100 yen a pop. Some of it is just 100 yen sized, some of it is kitschy micro niche stuff, but some of it, like kitchen utensils, are good value, and it's my Fav place to shop.  Below is a selection of Engrish named chocolates from my local supermarket.

25 Things about Japoon that are Excellent, Part 2

25 Excellent things about Japooon Pt2

by Wendy Elizabeth Horikoshi on Thursday, 25 February 2011 at 11:06

 

11. Over 99% literacy.
As a teacher, this statistic warms the cockles of my heart when I need cheering up,
and there are bookshops EVERYWHERE. Yay!

12. Free stuff.
For some reason, this expensive place is rife with free stuff. You walk down the street, and people on corners fight to hand you free tissues. Go into the supermarket and its free samples everywhere. Free beer, pickles, sausages, cakes, cookies, bread, chocolate, fish, jelly, vast amounts of pork products, unidentified slimey vegetables, 900 different types of tofu dishes. When I was poor, I used to cruise the basement floor of major supermarkets, do two circuts, and be full to the goog with little snacks during my lunch hour, because I couldn't actually afford lunch.

Then there are all the free little presents you get when you purchase EVERYTHING here.
Keychains, eyedrop holders, tiny address books, pretty stick on jewels, even hats, gloves and scarfs, when you buy a drink. Strange, but very cool.

13. Festivals. They have a festival for everything in Japan, I swear. Festival of the penis has its own dick shaped lollipops, enjoyed by cheeky little old ladies and small children alike. Food on a stick appeals to me, so chocolate bananas, sausages, cucumber, corn, chicken, pickled fruit in sticky toffee (Mizu Ame) and fresh fruit are all good onna stick while you are walking around in your Yuukata, on a nice sunny festival day. Games, plays, music, decorations, stalls, and you get to dress up. Who doesn't like festivals?? You might even win a goldfish or a little green turtle if you are lucky.

14. Manga Kissa. For about 5 bucks an hour, you can relax in a nice expensive massage recliner, play as much of your favourite online game, read as much manga/newspaper/magzine as you want, enjoy snacks and usually a free drink bar, all in the privacy of your own cubicle. I have seen people practice their Wii moves, so as not to get their arses handed to them by their friends next time they play. I have been in an ultra modern, wide screen catered Manga Kissa for a private movie screening (including icecream and beer) and I have to say that the service is muuuch better than in my loungeroom. The internet speed is usually excellent, and the array of slushie flavours enough to put me in a sugar coma.

15. Fast Food. I am not talking just about Maccas or KFC. You can have a dizzying array of curry flavours, bowls of ramen, instant ramen, many many fried things, sushi trains, beef bowls, burger joints, riceball places, eat at tiny little stalls that materialise only when the sun goes down (and are nothing more than a tarp, a noren curtain, a bench and a guy with a talent for noodles/Oden or just a talent for pouring beer and warming Sake).

16. Love Hotels. Trapped in a tiny company dormitory? Living in a two room house, made of paper and reed mats with your inlaws? No actual privacy? Well, slide on down to one of Japans hundreds of thousands of Love Hotels. A BIG bath, wide screen TV, with porn channels.Tea and coffee facilities, toiletries, bubble bath and TV in the bathroom. Rent or buy costumes, toys, pajamas for an overnight stay, or even take advantage of the karaoke and Wii they supply. Big beds, condoms supplied, all in lots of "rest" (three hours) or "stay" (overnight). Reasonably priced, and anonymous, they are a godsend for those who live with their parents, and a mini holiday for those who live with their kids. BYO your favourite partner ;)   Below are some of my favourite products written in Engrish

25 Things about Japoon that are Excellent, Part 3

25 Things about Japoon that are excellent Pt 3

by Wendy Elizabeth Horikoshi on Thursday, 09 September 2011 at 19:59

17. Giant fruit. The fruit here is priced like it's made by Dolche and Gabana. But it's MASSIVE. I am lucky enough to get fruit as a gift on a regular basis (as it stops me and the family from getting scurvy, on my meagre teaching salary). Last week I got apples the size of cannon balls, strawberries the size of golf balls, and a sweet potato we could use as a life raft, in case we get done by a tsunami in Kodaira. Because we live in Japan, we have to display these gifts on a little pedestal in the kitchen, for some days so visitors can see how lucky we are to have fruit in the house.  Currently we have 10 dollar peaches on display on the kitchen table (until I get hungry).

18. Giant cans of beer. Now I don't drink beer as a rule, but the thought of a 1 litre stubby excites me so much, that I buy them and mail them to my friends. You can buy 1 litre cans of beer in the vending machines anywhere, pretty much from all brands. Some vending machines kindly also supply the snacks that will compliment your excessive beer consumption. Nice.

19. Cosplay. Sex life a bit blah? Want to get your juices flowing again? Just like dressing up as your favourite Pokemon? Then Japan is the place for you matey! Any day of the week, you can swan around the shops and see Lolicon (people who have a Lolita complex, and so the girls dress up in baby doll dresses, with lollipops and carry stuffed toys) Goth Lolicon (same, except its all about black lace, black eye-liner, black parasols and pale make up)
http://www.chictoday.com/daily/wp-content/uploads/2009/01/harajuku-fashion-japanforumcom.jpg
people dressed up as their favourite anime character, manga character, or the ever popular Maid Cafes, where (relatively) busty women will serve you in sexy maid costumes, and laugh at your dumb jokes.

20. Beautiful paper products.  Japan has some of the most lovely, delicate, and totally original stationary and stamps that the world will ever see.  I love the smell of paper shops, new books and money from the ATM, and their are as many paper shops here as book stores.  From beautiful Kimono and woodblock themed paper writing sets, origami (gazillions of kinds) and the more beautiful and expensive hand made washi paper, all gifts here are wrapped with the utmost care and reverence, and department store staff are strictly trained in the art of gift wrapping.  The little stickers that go with everything are also to die for :)

21.Onsens.
Magic hot springs in beautiful settings that encourage you to get naked with the general populace. Really.
You must first strip to your birthday suit, don a Yuukata, and carry a little wooden bucket with your soap, loofah and tiny little towel (this is compulsory to have a tiny towel) then sluice water from the trough or pump over you, give yourself a good hard scrub, all the while sitting on a tiny kid sized wooden stool, with your knees around your ears. After you have removed EVERY trace of soap, slide your naked self in to the big stone pools of hot volcanic water, and remain until lobster red, trying to look at everything else but the other people. Takes some getting used to, but it's a very relaxing pastime, the waters are said to be good for your health. I'm not against nudity, and nakedness in a nice tranquil mountain setting is probably good for your soul too.

22.Electronics. Akihabara, or Electric Town is always abuzz with the newest cutest tiniest gadgets. It attracts geeks of every ilk. Its a place where the subcultures and people on the very edge of the bell curve go and search for stuff that they are passionate about. Go for the electronics, stay and gawk at the people, I do.

23.Bizarre fashions.
Nothing can describe how it feels to shop right next to a middle aged man in a pink tutu and tiara, looking for a nice teapot. To see hundreds of young girls dressed as rock stars with injuries

http://boingboing.net/2007/12/05/tokyo-festishfashion.html

http://t0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:7p1g3sq2HdlYLM:http://media.nowpublic.net/images/8d/5/8d5d1f0931bc0e055ef3edd060c079b4.jpg
or to sit on the train next to women who wear the traditional 14 layer Kimono, coupled with Amy Winehouse hair and 10cm bejewelled fingernails, and matching glittery cell phone.
http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_hdMWb_HMuzo/S0nVeIHv-II/AAAAAAAAEYo/7XHrd0z6pUQ/s320/seijin.jpg




24. Engrish. I buy my underwear at a shop that "supports my sock life"
My dairy products are delivered in a van marked "Flesh Delivery"  And my favourite bakery is Breadshop Spank.

This is my favourite thing about living here. Check this out, if it doesn't make milk come out your nose, you need a check up at the local hospital http://www.engrish.com/

25.Tea.  I am a tea drinker, and I am totally in love with the HUGE amount of pomp and ritual that goes into making a cup of tea in Japan.  It's almost a religion, with each tea ceremony taking up to 45 minutes for a cuppa.  There are a whole range of shops and huge swathes of department store space dedicated to what to wear, what cake to serve, and what plates to serve them on, what cups and teapot to use and a million other decorations dedicated to the art of having a nice cup of tea.  I am not so fond of the cakes, though.  They are always made with sweet potato or beans .  I am more of a fruit, cream, sugar and icing kind of girl :)

Before we go to the park

I have lived in Japan on and off about 14 years.  Not once have I studied the language.  I've been busy, OK?  No need to look at me like that.  I currently have one full time and 4 part time jobs, plus I am a TERRIBLE student.
When I was a newly wed, I had sweet visions of my husband teaching me his native language, as he went to teachers college to become an instructor of Japanese for foreigners before I met him.

He has never actually taught a class. He was horrified at how much work it is to teach some one to speak Japanese from scratch, and he made a quick exit from the teaching profession after being an assistant for just one week, admitting later (after we had been married some years) that he only did it to meet foreign women.    :)

We are going to the park.  I am the worlds cheapest date (according to my Mr.)  because I don't drink, I get nervous in fancy restaurants, and I like to spend a lot of time in the park, feeding the ducks and fish, watching the turtles, riding my bike at a leisurely pace.  Trips to Kichijoji park are a big thing in our house. We get to go on three train lines (all the boys in our house are hard core train fanatics, including The Daddy), we lurk in the expensive shops, breathing in their free airconditioning in the Summer, and we have a nice Tempura dinner at Tenya, after feeding the ducks and giant Koi in Inokashira Koen.  A special trip is made to get big bags of Fu, and left over bread is saved up, and carefully cut into little bits to tempt the ducks and fish close enough to see and take a picture.  Yaki Dango and Ice cream are purchased.  We all come back exhausted, full of snacks and sugar.

Before we go to the park, The Boy is helping me with my Japanese  (because his Dad,  never has), while we get ready.   The Daddy, is tired of my whining that he has never taught me any useful Japanese, so has helpfully made a trip to the second hand book shop, and bought a copy of "Teach your Gaijin Wife Japanese in 90 days!"  with a two CD set.  How hard can it be, right?

I dunno the word in the second question, so I asked The Boy what "Ben Lii" means, because I told him I didn't know this Ben Lii man. He says "I will give you a clue, it lets you start the whole house and drive it like a car with just pushing one button".  Wow, obviously a lot more information is conveyed in Japanese then, eh?  I was stumped.  Just so you know, The Boy is eight.

I look at the answer page while The Boy is not watching me, and the question was "What is useful about this?" in Japanese.
I am still laughing, and he is VERY cranky that I won't be serious! hahahahaha :) :)

The Duck is running interference by repeating everything The Boy says over the top of him.  Is it any wonder my Japanese is spotty and strange??  He also informs me, that the text book his Dad chose is Osaka Ben (with a strong Osaka dialect/accent, and we live waaaaay over in West Tokyo ) and "Mummee, you prolly shouldn't talk like that anyway  \(*o*)/

Don't answer the door!!

Thursday was my only full day off last week.   I had just gotten out of the shower, and was swanning around the house in a towel, drinking OJ out of the carton (because I can when no one is looking), when the doorbell rang.

I quickly chucked on my PJ's.

There was  this smartly dressed woman with a little girl behind her,  and she proceeded to question me mercilessly.  There were absolutely no spaces between questions.

"Why am I home in my pyjamas in the middle of the day?  Do I understand Japanese?  Am I married? Are there any children living here? Why do I have a towel on my head? Do I actually work?  Where is my husband at this time?  What is his job and when will he be home?
What are we all doing on Sunday the week after next?  What classes are the kids in and what are their names?"

You would think it was the cops, or some evil cow from immigration, right?
Nah, she is from the local parents group, looking to get all the parents in the area, to come to the park to have an "educational seminar" for the DANGERS OF GAIJIN* TO CHILDREN IN THE KODAIRA COMMUNITY".

Do you think any of the Gods will punish me for what I told her?

I said "yes, I understand Japanese, and yes I do happen to be employed, thanks"  Then she wanted to know the EXACT DETAILS of my current employment, and stated again that she didn't know why I was home in the middle of the day, if the kids were at school (!!?)  I told her I was home, with a terribly high fever, and I was quarantined today by an illness.  My Mr. had to take the morning off to take the kids to school and my kids names were Tiger and Ryu (not true, any of it) .  My husband works in "entertainment" (and I made this sound vague and threatening, like he does security for the Yakuza)  I then said I would have his "people" look at her note (while she was writing she says "oh you probably can't read or write, I will just jot down the details here for you, some one can tell you what it says")  and we might "all"  attend this little rally in the park.  God, I wish I still had a tattoo I could have shown her, to make her just a tiny bit more uncomfortable.  Christ, I wish I was imaginative enough to make this shit up. Jebus, I hate living in Kodaira.  I swear there is lead in the bloody water here.

* Gaijin is Japanese for Outsider or Foreigner.  It's not a very nice word.